The End: a Good Spot for a New Beginning

The End: a Good Spot for a New Beginning

The Old Nourishes the New

Last week we explored beginnings. This week we prepare for the end.

Some say that to start something new, you must first “let go” of what has become familiar. A new perspective sprouts from an old perspective. Like fertilizer, the old way nourishes the new way. Note: endings and beginnings are interchangeable points on the same circle. All beginnings are endings and all endings become new beginnings. Something new always sprouts from something decayed. It lives, comes to an end, and gives way to something new. It is no surprise that the Hindu goddess Kali is given credit as the great destroyer and the great creator. She is lovingly referred to as the Dark Mother and in the wake of utter annihilation, new possibilities spring forth. Kali provides liberation or release, called moksha in Hindu, from old ways and old thinking. Though liberation sounds liberating, most of us shun the crucial step that precedes it: uncertainty and fear.

Doing the Unstuck

Identifying habits and behaviors that merit an end is the first step. To make it a bit easier, we may even begin to think about some new habits and behaviors that get us excited about the forthcoming change. Endings are a little easier when something inspiring is in the near future. But look out, our old friend FEAR usually rears his scary head at this time. Fear of letting go or of change. Fear of a future that may be worse than now. What if my ending begets a difficult new beginning? These fears are a good starting point. Fear leaves us stuck. Helping clients get “unstuck” is the goal. Replacing fear with trust. Trust in ourselves. Trust in a future that we can look forward to despite the growing pains that come with change.

The Appointed Time

Kali literally means “appointed time” in Sanskrit. The appointed time is the time we select to make a change, to engage in the process of ending and beginning and to flow with this current of time. Preparing for this appointed time is our goal this week. The appointed time of our endings and new beginnings. That time is now.

(W)Holistic Treatment at Barn Life Recovery

(W)Holistic Treatment at Barn Life Recovery

Looking at the Big Picture

The word, “holistic,” is misused. This week, we are going to bring it all back home. Bring it back down to the grassroots, to its intended meaning and purpose. Note, you can also write “holistic” as “wholistic,” even though your spell checker may not agree. The alternative spelling gives us a much better clue as to the meaning of this misunderstood word. Holism is where the idea of holistic comes from in the first place. It is a philosophy that states that the parts that make up a whole are interdependent and contribute to the whole in a way that is more valuable than the individual parts. “How” the parts connect becomes the important question. The relationship between the parts. Keep in mind, each part cannot be understood separately from the whole. All parts are interrelated thus we must consider all parts.

Treatment or Bureaucracy?

For example, a person reports they have a shortness of breath. The family doctor sends them to a pulmonary specialist. The lung doctor only looks at the lungs. However, he sees that an inflamed liver is pushing on the lungs. Since he is not a liver doctor he refers his patient to a liver specialist. The liver specialist then discovers that the liver inflammation is due to excessive alcohol consumption. He then refers the patient to a substance abuse specialist who discovers that the reason the patient drinks alcohol excessively is that he is severely depressed. So, he refers him to a depression specialist. And so on and so on the drudgery lumbers forward…

A Holistic Approach Supports True Healing

A wholistic approach to this issue considers all these factors and contributing forces…simultaneously. Each issue creates a chain reaction that creates another series of chain reactions. How these chain reactions communicate and relate to one another is what wholistic care is all about. If we isolate a component and only fixate on that singular component, it is like giving a free house to a homeless person. As you wash your hands and pat yourself on the back for “fixing” the issue of homelessness, you cannot help but realize that there is still a potential learning disability, trauma, mental illness, addiction and or a host of other issues that contribute and overlap to the overall identified problem, which is homelessness. Buying them a house does not remedy the issue. Only looking at each issue and how it relates to the next can we gain the insight that necessitates and supports true healing and change.

Flowing With Stillness

Flowing With Stillness

Contemplation, Meditation…and Now What?

We’ve gone over contemplation and meditation in our previous blogs. But how do we translate the peace of mind we have learned on the cushion into our day-to-day lives? To illuminate the path, here is an example, one that should resonate particularly with those of us who have suffered from substance abuse issues. It happens a lot. We do something messed up and waste a bunch of your time and everyone else’s time. By the time we sober up to what we so exquisitely shattered, we quickly start to repair the damage. Like a cat who fell off the sill, we scramble to our feet as quickly as possible and hastily strut away with some salvaged grace, almost as if no calamity had transpired at all. In such a hurry to save face, coupled with the feeling of “getting on with it already,” we foolishly rush in where angels fear to tread.

Flowing With the Current

There may be a flow to things and a way of tuning into the language of this flow. A way to ally yourself with the very current that propels us all forward and back and around again. It is so easy to finally identify the source of discomfort and quickly fall into the trap of remedying it like, chop, chop c’mon right now. But discomforts are a timid sort of prey. If you spring too fast on them, you’ll spook them. Practicing stillness in the midst of change and confusion is a powerful tool. In no time, our discomforts will be eating from our hand and rolling in ecstasy at our feet. Not being in too much of a hurry has its benefits. There is a reason “stop and smell the roses” is a cliché. It’s because it’s true. Time and time again. We can be in such a hurry we brush past the sweet smells of bloom and then curse that too, too busy world for its foulness.

Letting Go of the Wheel

This week’s theme is about taking that sacred, quiet moment and keeping it for yourself. A small moment to just take it all in in one big gulp. If that sentence didn’t make sense, read it slower, especially between the two “ins”. Flowing with life infers letting go of the wheel for a little bit. Trusting in the celestial pacing of things. Try to identify moments in your life where “rushing in” to get involved – even with the most angelic of intentions – led to a uniquely worse set of circumstances, all thanks to you. Think back in life to the moments when one more play on the bench may have been the better bet. Instead of trying “to be” this week, let’s try “not to be.” Try not to be in a hurry to fix things. Practice listening and letting go with humility and awareness.

“If I had an hour to solve a problem, I’d spend 55 minutes thinking about the problem and 5 minutes thinking about solutions.” – Albert Einstein

Family Systems: Our First Relationships

Family Systems: Our First Relationships

Integral to Our Lives

Our recent blogs have dealt heavily with the idea of community and relationships. These concepts are essential to our healing and recovery. After all, no man is an island. Humans are social creatures. As humans, relationships are integral to just about every aspect of our lives. What has been the quality of those relationships? Early in life, we may have grown up in nuclear families, adoptive families, or institutions such as boarding homes or foster homes. Whatever the case, our family systems of origin have been our first experiences of learning to engage in relationships.

Family System Dynamics: A Lasting Impact

These early experiences are of utmost importance. Indeed, family system dynamics often have a lasting impact on the quality, types, and patterns of our future relationships. Maybe some relationships have been healthy and supportive. However, others have perhaps been a source of pain, mistrust, disappointment, and sadness. These relationships are a significant factor in the formation of our lenses of perception. If our relationships have been of a toxic origin, how do we change them? Furthermore, how do we become aware that “normal and expected” is often a formulated perception based upon familiarity even if toxic or volatile relationships are the norm?

Forging New Relationships with What We’ve Learned

In life, we will run into other people moving on their path. These people have developed their own relationship styles, systems, and strategies. In order to stop repeating toxic and maladaptive relationship patterns that maintain substance use disorders through codependency, enabling, resentments, inauthenticity, and manipulation, we must raise awareness of the dynamics we have learned from our early family experiences. Then we must learn the characteristics and techniques that lead to healthy relationship dynamics such as trust, respect, effective communication, authenticity and how to set healthy boundaries. As we move forward in life and as we meet the other people on their journeys, we have an opportunity to forge relationships that are made of denser and more reliable material.

Forgiveness: A Weapon Against Resentment

Forgiveness: A Weapon Against Resentment

From the Inner Realm to the Outer Realm

Last week, we began to move from the inner realm to the outer realm. From philosophy helping us to understand our place in the world to the idea of a community and how we interact with others. Those of us in recovery who have spent some time among the twelve-step community know that resentments can wield a terrible power. Fortunately, we have a weapon against resentments: forgiveness. Forgiveness is not giving up nor is it admitting defeat. Forgiveness is about taking power back and making a conscious decision to let go of resentments, pain, and anger.

The Power Resentments Have

Some people are not ready to forgive and rightly so. What about victims of sexual assault and violence as well as people who have suffered physical, emotional abuse and unearned shame? Is it not appropriate to feel rage due to events that have happened directly or indirectly to us? However, our suffering has the power to consume us. Suffering and resentments can control our entire worldview and biases. When we look objectively at how our resentments have power over us, we can see how we engage in belittling ourselves and in turn increase our own self-loathing. We can even convince ourselves we deserve it. Even worse, we can act upon anger and allow it to dominate our actions and perceptions of the world. However, forgiveness can begin the process of emotionally disconnecting ourselves from the events and pain that we have used to define us.

Forgiveness: A Personal Statement

Forgiveness is not about forgetting or even making a statement that what happened to create the resentment is acceptable. It is about making a personal statement that one does not want to be emotionally controlled by the events, memories and perception of self that resentments create. There are many ways to forgive. However, the least helpful is giving the terrible advice of “Just let this go.” Well, how? How do people “let go” how do people forgive?

How Do We Let It Go?

For some it is a mere acknowledging that the incident(s) occurred, facing the emotions that arise and stating forgiveness. Others need rituals or prayer to assist in maintaining the intention of forgiveness. Unfortanutely, though, forgiveness can act like the tide of the ocean or the changing moon. Our resentments can creep back in, even after we have made the conscious decision to forgive. In this case, one needs to repeat the action of forgiveness. We take a little more power back until the resentment has eventually been drained and the individual is free from that resentment.

Fostering Forgiveness

It is our job to help foster forgiveness However, it is not our job to push someone to forgive when they are not ready. Those individuals may still need to be further defined or come to a better understanding. Perhaps they need to acknowledge lessons to be learned from the experience before they become willing and ready to forgive. Even if that lesson is to realize how much damage and influence these resentments have had in our lives. Only then we can pose the question “Are you ready to let this go?”

Community: The Spiritual Aspect Of Recovery

Community: The Spiritual Aspect Of Recovery

One of the Few Constants

This week here at Barn Life Recovery, we are taking some time to explore and understand groups. This topic should be of particular importance to those of us who are here to work through substance abuse issues. Whether we are a part of Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, or other twelve steps programs, or whether we find another path to recovery, a constant remains when it comes to successfully overcoming addiction. We need to re-establish our sense of community.

Existing in Shadows

Take a moment to reflect on how we were living when we were using drugs or drinking to excess. It’s a lonely life. It seems each way we turn, everyone is further and further away. Seemingly impenetrable walls are built. We begin to exist in shadows. Friends loved spending time with us tire of our shady antics and don’t return our texts. The families that love us can no longer bear to watch while we kill ourselves. Soon, the only people who see us are the dealers and the liquor store clerks. And to deal with the loneliness, we spiral even deeper into the cycle of addiction. Addiction creates and thrives upon isolation. Stepping out of that darkness and finding our place among others is the means to end that cycle.

A Closed Circuit

Picture the addicted mind as a closed circuit. Brains have an incredible capacity for change, but it isn’t something they like to do. Even “normal” brains. They fear change and will do everything they can to maintain the status quo. For example, try to remember what it was like the last time you tried to start a new habit. Maybe it was trying to get into an exercise routine. Think of all the excuses your brain came up with: “I didn’t get enough sleep last night; it will be a wasted workout.” “My knee just doesn’t feel right today.” “If I go to the gym, I won’t make it back in time for my favorite show.” How many of those excuses were legitimate? Most were easily worked around, I’d bet. Now if that’s a normal mind trying to create a positive habit, think of the addicted mind protecting its relationship with a substance it’s dependent upon.

The Bigger Picture

If our addicted minds have hard-wired themselves into a loop of destruction, what hope is there for us? How are we supposed to break out of that? We start by building connections. When it comes to our addictions, reason and rationality have left us. We can’t even trust ourselves anymore. Fortunately, others do not see us in the same way we see ourselves. They have a perspective from outside the loop. When it comes to us, they can see the bigger picture where we cannot. So we go to those we admire and ask if we can learn from them. We find others who have been through similar situations and ask for their help.

Our Place in a Community

In the beginning, we will most likely find that we have a lot of work to do. This is to be expected. We’re restructuring our minds, after all, rediscovering who we were before addiction, getting rid of junk we picked up along the way. Soon though, a new member joins the group, someone who reminds us of how we were during the bad times. And they come to us for help, so we show them what we’ve learned. We are now a part of a community. We are part of something bigger than ourselves. This is that spiritual aspect that so many in the recovery community talk about. This is spirituality for the front lines. If you or someone you love is struggling with addiction, co-occurring disorders, or other mental health issues, please consider reaching out to Barn Life Recovery today. We would be honored to have you as part of our community.