The Old Nourishes the New
Last week we explored beginnings. This week we prepare for the end.
Some say that to start something new, you must first “let go” of what has become familiar. A new perspective sprouts from an old perspective. Like fertilizer, the old way nourishes the new way. Note: endings and beginnings are interchangeable points on the same circle. All beginnings are endings and all endings become new beginnings. Something new always sprouts from something decayed. It lives, comes to an end, and gives way to something new. It is no surprise that the Hindu goddess Kali is given credit as the great destroyer and the great creator. She is lovingly referred to as the Dark Mother and in the wake of utter annihilation, new possibilities spring forth. Kali provides liberation or release, called moksha in Hindu, from old ways and old thinking. Though liberation sounds liberating, most of us shun the crucial step that precedes it: uncertainty and fear.
Doing the Unstuck
Identifying habits and behaviors that merit an end is the first step. To make it a bit easier, we may even begin to think about some new habits and behaviors that get us excited about the forthcoming change. Endings are a little easier when something inspiring is in the near future. But look out, our old friend FEAR usually rears his scary head at this time. Fear of letting go or of change. Fear of a future that may be worse than now. What if my ending begets a difficult new beginning? These fears are a good starting point. Fear leaves us stuck. Helping clients get “unstuck” is the goal. Replacing fear with trust. Trust in ourselves. Trust in a future that we can look forward to despite the growing pains that come with change.
The Appointed Time
Kali literally means “appointed time” in Sanskrit. The appointed time is the time we select to make a change, to engage in the process of ending and beginning and to flow with this current of time. Preparing for this appointed time is our goal this week. The appointed time of our endings and new beginnings. That time is now.
Rocky Starts and Face-plants
Beginnings are rocky. In fact, beginnings are beset by difficulties. Easy beginnings are not beginnings at all by our definition. Want proof? From the ordeal of birth to those first unsteady steps to taking off the training wheels – there is nothing easy or amusing at birth. It’s bloody serious business entering the world. Not for the squeamish at all. Learning to walk ends in a high-speed bumbling face-plant most attempts (graceful and lovely are not adjectives that spring to mind). Riding a bike for the first time free is as amazing of a feeling as one could ask for. However, it’s often followed by a very abrupt and high-friction situation no one asked for. Riding a bike, in the beginning, is about as unsafe as you can be, perched up off the ground on two shaky wheels downhill…then the rock you never saw becomes starkly noticeable as you face-plant (remember walking?) into the pavement. A familiar feeling, the face-plant.
New Beginnings Are Not Without Hardships
The Chinese have a word we do not have. It’s called “chun.” Chun means “difficulties in the beginning.” Make special note to the fact that “difficulties” has an “s” at the end. There is not just one difficulty lurking ominously for the beginner, but many. So many. Makes a fellow not want to try new things, that’s for certain.
Chun’s Indomitable Spirit
Chun has a few secret meanings too. Chun is the image of a tiny green sprout popping up from the ground. This sprout was a seed just a few days ago and had to undergo the daunting task of being born. Now it is racing toward the sun whilst simultaneously grow roots to attach itself down to get water. Furthermore, the sprout has to dodge any obstructions that may be in its way as it pushes upward. But the sprout won’t know about the obstacle part until he gets there…and that’s just way the cookie crumbles. All that effort to get born could be all for nuttin’. Blam, obstacle. However, chun is not deterred by these obstacles. Chun just grows slowly and keeps moving around, over, or through the obstacle. One way or another. This is an old word with lots of secrets.
Bringing It Together
In closing, in the beginning of things, basic principles come before specific goals. We cannot head off in a direction before we establish our principles for heading off in the first place. Our principles are what we believe and practice. Once we have established our principles then we discuss goals and plans. So, the beginning is about setting up what we practice. Who we are. Which is never easy. Then goals. Then freedom.
“Beginnings are sudden, but also insidious. They creep up on you sideways, they keep to the shadows, they lurk unrecognized. Then, later, they spring.”
– Margaret Atwood
Moving from How to Why
In previous blogs, we offered some techniques for dealing with some of the things life throws our way. From flowing to forgiveness, and from meditation to contemplation, these are strategies offer a path to a better way of life. However, these posts speak to the question of how to live life. This week, we want to address the why. What is the point in learning how to live if you don’t feel like you have something to live for? It is impossible to live a positive life if we just aimlessly wander through it. Inevitably, we need to address our search for meaning.
The Search for Meaning is a War
Meaning in our lives is a hard-fought spoil of war. The war rages between what others have deemed “meaningful” in your life and what the essential “you” has deemed meaningful. Often times, burdened by the meaning of others, we all trudge onto the field of life in a search for meaning of our own choosing. It is a search for something that “matters” to us. Something worth living for and fighting for. Something that makes each day a crusade to manifest what matters most to us. We are not settling. We are actively seeking.
Existence Precedes Essence
A clue in our search for meaning lies in what we do. A famous French philosopher once said that “existence precedes essence.” In other words, there is nothing extrinsic to us that will define us. Only our actions define us and it is through our actions that we find meaning. Poets find meaning in words and fashioning them to say what cannot be said. Similarly, the compassionate find meaning in helping others. Hedonists find pleasure in all that there is to enjoy and more. On the other hand, ascetics derive joy from less and less. To these folks, the meaning is found in reduction.
Get Out and Explore
The search for meaning and finding a meaningful path are essential to our development as human beings. This week at Barn Life, we are exploring all different kinds of meaningful lifestyles. The sky is truly the limit. There are endless examples of lives well lived. There are examples throughout history and right in our own backyards. People who have found their purpose and calling are everywhere if we look. This week we will open our senses to allow for the world to work its magic on us. Try on new hats. Go someplace different. Talk to someone you never talk to. Lift up a rock and see what’s underneath. Peel back the layers. The clues for a meaningful life are everywhere. The menu is full. Order something. Try it.
Looking at the Big Picture
The word, “holistic,” is misused. This week, we are going to bring it all back home. Bring it back down to the grassroots, to its intended meaning and purpose. Note, you can also write “holistic” as “wholistic,” even though your spell checker may not agree. The alternative spelling gives us a much better clue as to the meaning of this misunderstood word. Holism is where the idea of holistic comes from in the first place. It is a philosophy that states that the parts that make up a whole are interdependent and contribute to the whole in a way that is more valuable than the individual parts. “How” the parts connect becomes the important question. The relationship between the parts. Keep in mind, each part cannot be understood separately from the whole. All parts are interrelated thus we must consider all parts.
Treatment or Bureaucracy?
For example, a person reports they have a shortness of breath. The family doctor sends them to a pulmonary specialist. The lung doctor only looks at the lungs. However, he sees that an inflamed liver is pushing on the lungs. Since he is not a liver doctor he refers his patient to a liver specialist. The liver specialist then discovers that the liver inflammation is due to excessive alcohol consumption. He then refers the patient to a substance abuse specialist who discovers that the reason the patient drinks alcohol excessively is that he is severely depressed. So, he refers him to a depression specialist. And so on and so on the drudgery lumbers forward…
A Holistic Approach Supports True Healing
A wholistic approach to this issue considers all these factors and contributing forces…simultaneously. Each issue creates a chain reaction that creates another series of chain reactions. How these chain reactions communicate and relate to one another is what wholistic care is all about. If we isolate a component and only fixate on that singular component, it is like giving a free house to a homeless person. As you wash your hands and pat yourself on the back for “fixing” the issue of homelessness, you cannot help but realize that there is still a potential learning disability, trauma, mental illness, addiction and or a host of other issues that contribute and overlap to the overall identified problem, which is homelessness. Buying them a house does not remedy the issue. Only looking at each issue and how it relates to the next can we gain the insight that necessitates and supports true healing and change.
Contemplation, Meditation…and Now What?
We’ve gone over contemplation and meditation in our previous blogs. But how do we translate the peace of mind we have learned on the cushion into our day-to-day lives? To illuminate the path, here is an example, one that should resonate particularly with those of us who have suffered from substance abuse issues. It happens a lot. We do something messed up and waste a bunch of your time and everyone else’s time. By the time we sober up to what we so exquisitely shattered, we quickly start to repair the damage. Like a cat who fell off the sill, we scramble to our feet as quickly as possible and hastily strut away with some salvaged grace, almost as if no calamity had transpired at all. In such a hurry to save face, coupled with the feeling of “getting on with it already,” we foolishly rush in where angels fear to tread.
Flowing With the Current
There may be a flow to things and a way of tuning into the language of this flow. A way to ally yourself with the very current that propels us all forward and back and around again. It is so easy to finally identify the source of discomfort and quickly fall into the trap of remedying it like, chop, chop c’mon right now. But discomforts are a timid sort of prey. If you spring too fast on them, you’ll spook them. Practicing stillness in the midst of change and confusion is a powerful tool. In no time, our discomforts will be eating from our hand and rolling in ecstasy at our feet. Not being in too much of a hurry has its benefits. There is a reason “stop and smell the roses” is a cliché. It’s because it’s true. Time and time again. We can be in such a hurry we brush past the sweet smells of bloom and then curse that too, too busy world for its foulness.
Letting Go of the Wheel
This week’s theme is about taking that sacred, quiet moment and keeping it for yourself. A small moment to just take it all in in one big gulp. If that sentence didn’t make sense, read it slower, especially between the two “ins”. Flowing with life infers letting go of the wheel for a little bit. Trusting in the celestial pacing of things. Try to identify moments in your life where “rushing in” to get involved – even with the most angelic of intentions – led to a uniquely worse set of circumstances, all thanks to you. Think back in life to the moments when one more play on the bench may have been the better bet. Instead of trying “to be” this week, let’s try “not to be.” Try not to be in a hurry to fix things. Practice listening and letting go with humility and awareness.
“If I had an hour to solve a problem, I’d spend 55 minutes thinking about the problem and 5 minutes thinking about solutions.” – Albert Einstein
Integral to Our Lives
Our recent blogs have dealt heavily with the idea of community and relationships. These concepts are essential to our healing and recovery. After all, no man is an island. Humans are social creatures. As humans, relationships are integral to just about every aspect of our lives. What has been the quality of those relationships? Early in life, we may have grown up in nuclear families, adoptive families, or institutions such as boarding homes or foster homes. Whatever the case, our family systems of origin have been our first experiences of learning to engage in relationships.
Family System Dynamics: A Lasting Impact
These early experiences are of utmost importance. Indeed, family system dynamics often have a lasting impact on the quality, types, and patterns of our future relationships. Maybe some relationships have been healthy and supportive. However, others have perhaps been a source of pain, mistrust, disappointment, and sadness. These relationships are a significant factor in the formation of our lenses of perception. If our relationships have been of a toxic origin, how do we change them? Furthermore, how do we become aware that “normal and expected” is often a formulated perception based upon familiarity even if toxic or volatile relationships are the norm?
Forging New Relationships with What We’ve Learned
In life, we will run into other people moving on their path. These people have developed their own relationship styles, systems, and strategies. In order to stop repeating toxic and maladaptive relationship patterns that maintain substance use disorders through codependency, enabling, resentments, inauthenticity, and manipulation, we must raise awareness of the dynamics we have learned from our early family experiences. Then we must learn the characteristics and techniques that lead to healthy relationship dynamics such as trust, respect, effective communication, authenticity and how to set healthy boundaries. As we move forward in life and as we meet the other people on their journeys, we have an opportunity to forge relationships that are made of denser and more reliable material.